What Your Headwear Says About You

Men still like wearing hats and headwear, but your choice is all important.

Snapback — “I’m a modern-day Peter Pan”

There comes an age when you’re too old to believe in Santa, then too old to live at home, then too old to wear a Snapback. Hopefully that milestone arrives as early in your 20s as possible, when you realise that dressing like an adult is more important than wearing a cap that makes you look like an extra in a Good Charlotte music video.

Beret — “I’m trapped in an invisible box”

A hat that began as a favourite of hard-drinking, hard-fighting European sailors has been hijacked by creepy face-painted mime artists . . . as well as the truly alternative who once lived on the South Bank for a summer and now sip plum juice and lavender essence cocktail out of a glass beaker.

Fedora — “The last time I spoke to a woman was on Xbox Live”

Another hat to have undergone the unhappy transformation from a once-snappy accessory — a favourite of Prohibition-era gangsters and a staple of Frank Sinatra’s wardrobe — to the uniform of pimply, neck-bearded video game addicts who subsist on a diet of Doritos and Fanta in their mother’s basement.

Bucket hat — “I’m a fisherman” . . .

. . . or ‘I’m a wannabe rapper’ or ‘I’m a soccer hooligan’ or ‘I’m an 80-year-old trapped in a younger man’s body’ or ‘I smoke five blunts a day’. Tough to interpret.

Trucker cap — “I’ve got an Angry Anderson CD blaring in my car stereo”

Often used to restrain an unkempt mullet that hasn’t seen shampoo in months, you either drive a truck for a living or you found this hat while rummaging through a garbage bin that hasn’t been emptied since 2003. Especially bad if it carries an inane motto like ‘I’m with stupid’ or ‘You look like I need a beer’ or ‘Make America Great Again’.

Beanie — “Ugh, appearing in one of these listicles is so mainstream”

The go-to headwear for espresso-guzzling hipsters spotted brooding in the corner of an open-mic poetry night at an inner-city wine bar clutching a tome penned by Michel Foucault. Screams ‘I liked that band before Triple J had even heard of them’ and ‘Activated almonds are just so 2015’.

Written by Stephen Mayer

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